What Will You Find If You Look Closely?

Devotional: Applying the Bible to my today.

Read: Psalm 139

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me an know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life." Psalm 139:23-24

In a country whose culture oscillates between speaking our minds (that's our right after all) and political correctness, it is difficult to imagine having the audacity to give someone permission to look into your innermost being and then give an account of what is offensive to them. Think of the transparency and humility! Ugh... what might be found?

When underlining verses in my Bible, I typically date it and write a short reminder as to how it impacted me. Psalm 139 is the most underlined chapter of the Old Testament in my Bible, but none of the dates correspond with one another. Verse 7 - "Where can I go from Your Spirit?..." once comforted me when I felt alone; verse 12 - "Even the darkness is not dark to You," carried me in dark days of grief, believing that because God had overcome the darkness, He would impart that upon me. The picture of God knitting a child in the womb of the mother, verses 13-16, once deeply convicted my heart as I thought of the unborn life I had taken through abortion, yet years later obtaining solace in these same verses, knowing I didn't have to entrust my stillborn son to a stranger; God, the one who's hands held him now, knows him intimately. Verses 23 and 24, the last two verses of the chapter, date back the furthest; early in my walk with God, I wondered, "Can I trust you with such an evaluation of my heart?"

I desperately wanted this assessment because, without it, it felt impossible to become all He created me to be, but what would He find? There were things tucked away in there that I didn't want to know or remember. Once He learned these things about me, would He stick around or be so appalled He would leave? I felt fragile, so He could easily tear me to shreds - yet I desired honesty. The resounding question - "God, can I trust You in this?"

Here I am twenty years later, and, for the first time, I read Psalm 139 as one continuous story building a case for God's trustworthiness. How did I miss this before?

Verse 1, "You have searched me and known me." The only difference with the opening and closing verses of this chapter is the invitation for God to reveal what He already knows. Because He is God, He can't not know every intimate detail about us. The assessment of our innermost being is done yet continuous.

From the beginning of time, before we are even a thought to our own parents - God knows us. As He knit us in our mother's womb, He already knew every strength and weakness we would possess, every neuron that would or would not properly connect, and darkness that would challenge our days - yet He did not budge in His creation or love for us.

Verse 17 and 18 - like a newfound lover, He thinks of us night and day, and, even fully knowing everything about us - the good, the bad and the ugly - He thinks more than fondly of us... He has a fierce love for us and is willing to battle for us on every occasion.

In our human experience, we have had people do unkind things with sensitive information about us - they talk about it behind our backs, throw it in our face at opportune times, blackmail us, think less of us, or outright reject us. To be honest, I've done the same to others. But don't you see? God had this information about us all along, yet He has never waivered, He has remained a gentleman and never withheld his love. It is because of these continuous acts of goodness through all eternity that we can finally say, "God show me what You see. I trust that You will be honest but gentle. There is nothing so dark in me that Your light cannot overcome. Let's do this."

That is the full story of Psalm 139. Read it again. It is beautiful.

May God's light shine brightly in your darkest moments, spilling over from your soul into the world around you.

Feature Photo by Marten Newhall on Unsplash