At this time two years ago, my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4, neuro-endocrine cancer. My brain went into a question frenzy... What is this type of cancer? What causes it? Is it treatable/curable? Should we get a 2nd opinion? How will my dad want to proceed? How will we meet all his needs? How do I tell our family? How long do I have with him before saying goodbye? And of course, why does cancer exist?
I furiously researched to get some answers, others would come with time, and, for some, I knew I had to be content knowing I would probably never know.
My dad accepted Jesus into his life and was baptized in his 30's, and, even then, his walk with God was full of twists and turns. He and my mother had a bad experience with a church when I was young and never returned. In the years leading up to my mother's passing and up to his diagnosis, our conversations regarding spiritual matters grew in quantity and depth. I cherished each conversation as it was a glimpse into the most vulnerable parts of my "always seemed so tough to me" dad.
After the diagnosis, my dad had a looming question - "Why did it suddenly feel like God was so far away?" More than ever my dad needed and wanted Him close, yet their relationship felt more distant than it had most of his adult life. Daily my dad would express things such as, "If we are further apart, it must be because I have moved away - not Him, but what do I need to do?" His looming question became the greatest plea of my heart - "Please God, be close to him and let him know Your comfort and presence!"
The four months until his passing went by in a flash yet in slow motion. "I know why God feels so far away," he announced one morning. He explained that he wasn't far from God as he had been feeling, it was that he was deeply desiring a much deeper intimacy and togetherness with God than ever before; therefore, God simply felt too far away because my dad's desires and expectations had changed. The only way to quench my dad's desire was to actually go be with God forever. I'm not exactly sure how my dad received this answer, but it satisfied, comforted, and prepared him until he died about a week later.
Some associate "asking questions" as a lack of faith, but I also believe it can be a great faith builder. Is it possible that God designed our spiritual life to be filled with active mystery, each one of our questions providing a spark to keep our faith aflame?
When questions are swarming your mind, have:
Patience. Be patient with yourself if your faith feels weak or if you just don't understand. Ask God to give your spirit the spark it needs as you seek Him with all your heart.
Moxie. Moxie is a slang term meaning aggressive courage. Have the moxie to ask God your questions and aggressively seek the answers.
Trust. Even while you aggressively seek, trust that the Holy Spirit will help you find the answers.
Know. Know there will be some mystery in your walk with God... mysteries regarding His character, your circumstances, how He plans to work this all for good.
My knowing and understanding everything is not the evidence of faith or my love of Christ. I have so many questions, and I'm sure there are more on the horizon. I passionately pursue answers knowing that He is God and I am not; therefore, I don't have to know the answer to everything, but when He does teach me or reveal something to me, my eyes become WIDE open and my heart is in a state of awe. The answers sometimes bring more questions, but they most often bring me closer to Him.
What are your looming questions?
Feature image credit: Evan Dennis
Answers to our questions are always in Christ if we turn to Him and His Word! Thank you for your posts.
It is pretty incredible that He truly is the answer for EVERYTHING! Even though I know this, I pretty much have a “holy cow!” moment every time I experience it.
This was helpful & reassuring to me as I frequently have questions; feel alone it wonder why I can’t be closer & feel His peace! Then something happens where I recognize His hand & I’m filled with a joy & peace. Perhaps it is just the ebb & flow of the relationship based on my attentions – maybe I should just relax & re-access my expectations!?!
Thanks, Vee, for sharing. I’ve certainly had those same types of moments in my walk with God. There seems to be an ebb and flow based on our own personalities, habits and expectations, but, even knowing that, it can be disheartening when we want to “feel” close but do not. Thankfully, He is truly good and patient and always working on our behalf so that we may have those experiences with Him! Have a great weekend, and I hope today is one of those days in which you are able to recognize His hand!