Too Heavy to Carry

A moment of prayer... This is a prayer of grief.

"A moment of prayer..." posts allow you to borrow a prayer when you have no words of your own.

(Halee Wood journals many of her prayers. Originally prayed on 2/28/12, approximately 2 months after the death of her son, Elliot.)

From "The Hiding Place" by Corrie Ten Boom:

Corrie recalls a moment when she asked her father something that was too mature for her understanding...

"He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. He stood up, lifting his traveling case from the rack over our heads...

'Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?' he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed.

'It's too heavy,' I said.

'Yes,' he said, 'and I would be a pretty poor father who would ask his daughter to carry such a load. It's the same way with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.'

For now, I was content to leave it in my father's keeping." 

Father, I'm constantly pushing to know what You know. I've tried to control You and push You around. While kicking and screaming, I yell, "Tell me why!" Please help me, Lord; I long for answers. Are the answers too much of a load for me to carry? 

Thank You for insisting on my patience so that I may eventually settle back into Your loving, capable arms... so I can quietly watch Your grace, mercy and handy work unfold. I'm ashamed of my lack of patience... I am sorry for who I am at times - a child of God who loves You greatly, yet I put my selfishness and desire to please others or myself ahead of You. Please forgive me, Father.

I know You have not brought me to this place to just leave me here. Help me to not give up. I have nothing in me. I am emotionally exhausted. How long can I feel this way and still function? All my hope and strength is in You because otherwise I have NOTHING.

May today be a day in which I glorify You. May I find solace in Your hands. When people ask me how I am doing today, help me to give an honest answer, yet help it somehow honor who You are in me - in all that You are doing. This is just so hard. I love You, Lord.