It’s embarrassing to say, but I like lists of tasks so much that if I do something that wasn’t on my list, I will often go back and add the thing to my list that I did just so that I can mark it off… Wow. I know… It’s crazy, but it seems so normal when I do it.
This “to do” list is actually a form of trying to control. It’s almost as if I put it on paper then I have control of it coming into being. If something on my “to do” list is not coming into being (when it is not within my control to make it happen), then I find that I allow myself to grossly over grow my “to do” list – as if accomplishing 500 other things could somehow make me feel better about the 1 thing I just can’t seem to make happen.
Ron and I laid in bed talking a few nights ago. He is so sincere and genuine in his listening. I was so tense because of all the things I felt were on my to-do list – and, to be honest, most of these things genuinely had to get done, so it wasn’t just a bunch of junk I’d made up. By the end of our conversation, I realized that my tension really came back to the thing that has been on my list for the last 2.5 years that I can’t make happen.
30 months… It is something that is completely out of my control at this point. I had some control in the process, and we did everything asked of us in an instant – yet we still wait for the adoption of our son HC. There are no additional phone calls to be made, no more papers that can be filled out, or letters to write. There is nothing for me to do.
I am frustrated with myself because it seems that since we are so much closer to it coming to fruition that I should feel more relief and gratitude – yet, strangely, I now sometimes feel resentment – like when I receive a picture of our son and he is so big.
While in prayer this week, I was reading 1 Thessalonians 5, which reminded me of a “to do” list that is truly worth keeping.
- Rejoice always (vs 16)
- Pray without ceasing (vs17)
- Allow the God of peace to sanctify me entirely (vs19)
The word “sanctification” has such a soothing aroma to me. I yearn for simplification so that, during good or difficult times, I may hear the sweet whispers of the Lord who is capable and willing to continually feed my soul.
So, here I am today, slowing down. Enjoying the presence of God. I rejoice in the victories of the past knowing that the God who brought those victories to pass is continuing to stand beside us in the challenges of today. He is no less capable today than He was then.
Today is Reese’s 8th birthday as well as Good Friday. Both celebrations are humbling to me… that God would give me the honor of parenting one of His precious children and that He would love me enough to send His son, who had never sinned, to pay the ransom of my sins. I rejoice in these things as well… I am in complete awe. I have joy and delight in an amazing God.