The “It”

Most days I still recognize that we’ve experienced a lot of loss over the last year, but the grief is rarely overwhelming.  A sense of relief comes over me as I think that maybe we are moving out of our season of loss and grief.

Over the last few weeks, though, a few things have happened that remind me of my vulnerability and the need to stay at the feet of my Heavenly Father.  My Dad was taken to the hospital by ambulance along with a string of serious health concerns, Reese has had the flu and pneumonia for 4 days, and the adoption laws changed significantly in the country in which we intend to adopt which gave me reason to believe that our adoption plans may change.

What I am experiencing with these events isn’t true loss but the anticipation of it.  I have cried out to God, “Please no!  No more loss.  I can’t handle it.” But with those words I wonder if I am being un-trusting in my Lord.  I want to be “willing” and “vulnerable”, but I sometimes lack trust that He will “handle with care.”

I am feeling stronger now – I am dreaming big again, but my distrust says, “If I dream big, then I can be disappointed big and the pain can be so deep.”  I feel timid, not humble.  I, in my pride, want to scream “God, I’ve done my part during this grief process – I’ve kept my eyes on You, gave glory to You at all times, and I’ve chosen to believe that You have good planned for us.  Now it’s time for You to come through… now is a great time to bring on the good!”  So there are all my fears, self-pity, anger and pleas laid out before you all.

The reality is that God is faithful, and He is simply not the enemy.  Many years ago I began asking the question “What is ‘it’?” in regards to a verse I read in 1 Thessalonians 5:24 that says “Faithful is He who calls you, and He will also bring it to pass.”  At some point I thought the “it” was Him carrying us through losing our son, then I assumed “it” was Him carrying us through all our losses.  Now I’m realizing that the “it” is ever changing.  There is always an “it” working in my life.

On 9/19/2012 God put a vision in my head about the wall between orphans and Him and that He wanted us involved in breaking down that barrier.  We assume that involvement means for us to adopt, but I don’t know that for certain.  What I do know for certain is that He will bring “it” to fruition.

So today, I make the same statement to the Heavenly Father as I did on the day Elliot passed away, “Please prepare my heart for whatever happens with my Dad, Reese and the adoption.  I trust that Your ways are better than my ways.” 

I pray for each of my readers today as well, that you will allow God to work the “it” in your life.  You are His workmanship, and He has a plan for you and it is for GOOD.  I hope you will join me on this journey.