Resurfaced Pain

Triggers or a new understanding of past difficult events, even decades later, can cause of whirlwind of emotion and feelings of instability especially if we feel like we've already dealt with it or moved on. Personally, I most typically deal with triggers or resurfaced pain regarding the abuse I endured as a teen or regarding grief in losing our son, my parents, and a best friend.

My oldest son recently had an assignment requiring him to write one paragraph about every year of his life. It could include events/facts, but it was to lean heavily on storytelling. For example, "On my first day of Kindergarten, I..." rather than, "I began Kindergarten when I was 5 years old." Meandering through each year of Reese's life was a joy until... There was one year when our middle son, Elliot, and my mom died only a few months apart. Though we can recall events of Reese's life during that year (i.e. he visited the ocean), neither Ron or I could recall any stories about Reese. Even though I was physically present, it's as if I missed out on an entire year of my son's life while grief and fog were so heavily upon me. This has exacerbated my feelings of loss from that season of my life.

Consider a person who was adopted. With each developmental phase new questions and a new understanding will arise - likely accompanied by a variety of emotion. They may deal with grief now, but if they later meet their birth-mom or find out they have siblings, obviously it is a new understanding of a past event that will likely resurface or strike new emotions.

If you have been divorced for many years, you may have to go to an adult child's wedding without your spouse. If you lost a career in which you had worked hard to achieve, seeing an old co-worker years later have a financially stable retirement that you don't have may bring up feelings of jealousy. Maybe health issues inhibited you from having children, and 25 years later you're watching picture after picture on social media regarding the fun your friends are having with their grandchildren. One close friend began to have intense physical pain as she entered her 50's, which stemmed from abuse she endured from her father as a child. Though she had forgiven him previously, now she was angry at him all over again. For some, these types of events may also trigger old habits used to previously cope with the pain (i.e. alcohol, sex, etc.).

A common response to being confronted with triggers decades later is to push it aside, possibly because it seems unreasonable that it could impact us all these years later (especially if we've already dealt with it) or possibly out of fear ("What if this takes me back to feeling all the intense loss and pain I felt initially?"). Below are some alternative responses that may spur healing rather than allowing the trigger to be a fearful nuisance.

1. Admit the feelings.

This circumstance and feelings may seem so minor and from so long ago; therefore, you may be tempted to skip right over acknowledging the wound, but consider all the "little" things we may justify as no big deal - how long before they all pile up and become hefty and weighty? If we take time to acknowledge and seek God's wisdom with each minor issue as it arises, we are much less likely to have a complete collapse later on.

2. Examine vulnerabilities and sin.

"Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord." Lamentations 3:40

Intensified grief and suffering will leave us more vulnerable in every aspect - which means it can impact our choices and possibly other relationships.