26 years ago...
I was living a nightmare. At fourteen years old, I was in an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship. I had parents who desperately tried to protect me, yet I was so blinded and scared by this young man that I stayed engulfed in the lies and the chaos. Fourteen years old - and pregnant.
It was 26 years ago this past week that I ended this child's life through abortion. I hate saying it out loud, yet I have found healing in my honesty, and, of course, I have found connection with many other hurting women who have made the same choice at sometime in their lives.
For many years after taking the life of this little one, I had dreams - and she was a girl in every single dream. Through the years of my dreams, she grew just as she would have if she lived. I so clearly remember a dream of her in first grade. She had these crazy, messy pigtails, and she was getting in trouble for talking when she wasn't supposed to. Oh, I long for those messy pigtails...
I so love this child that I never got to know. For many years, guilt and shame hovered over my entire being, but not now. It wasn't time that healed this wound. The saying that "time heals all wounds" is a lie. Shame, guilt, grief, all left untouched will fester and eat us alive if we don't deal with them. By the way, nobody ever put this guilt upon me. It was in gut - every day.
After finding the Lord and beginning the recovery process, I prayed over and over for God to forgive me for aborting this child. A friend expressed that upon confessing it to the Lord once, I was forgiven by Him; therefore, my persistence may mean that I'm just not forgiving myself and that I had not fully grieved the loss. In order to go through the mourning process, this person suggested I name the baby to give her an identity. After searching for the perfect name, I chose "Livvy Diane". Livvy means peace and Diane means divine… I knew that the process I was going through was divine intervention that would bring me to the peace I needed but didn’t deserve. I remember falling to my knees next to my bed as I laid this child before God asking Him once and for all not only to forgive me but to take care of this precious child for eternity.
Through the years I have done things to commemorate her life and just remember her - I've bought trinkets or ornaments, written letters, etc. I speak about her often. I love this girl so much.
Today, I want to commemorate her life simply by sharing this story with you. Maybe abortion has touched your life in some way. Maybe you have had an abortion, paid for an abortion, or maybe you're considering it today... I wish I had all the right words to simply take away the pain or just make it all better right now - I can't. What I can share with you is the hope that I have found.
2 Corinthians 7:10-11 reads “For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow w/o repentance is the kind that results in death. Just see what this godly sorrow produced in you! Such earnestness, such concern to clear yourself, such indignation…”
One thing in which I am sure - God is faithful, and what seems like a crisis to you today is something He can make beautiful in the days ahead. What will you choose to do with your sorrow, guilt or shame? Will you allow it to result in death? Or will you allow God to use it to produce life, earnestness, indignation? I've chosen both along my journey, but I'm thankful to be living in the latter. I would love to hear from you if you'd like to talk. If you send me a comment on this blog, it will come to my email before being made public. Just let me know if you don't want the comment public, but leave me your email so I can write back.
I can’t believe it has been 26 years… I think I love you more with each day. I can’t wrap my arms around the woman you are or the woman you would be. I do envision you holding our sweet Elliot, and God using you to care for him.
Please know the love I have for you. I thank God for His eternal plan to love and care for you. Until next time…
Mom
Beautifully crafted story, expressing the feelings of those of us who’ve lost a child , thank you for giving the inspiration and insight , love you guys
Hi, Jim! Thank you for the encouraging words. It’s rarely easy to be transparent about such difficult topics. Love you.
Only God can heal our wounds and I am so thankful you have found that healing! You have a God given talent for writing encouraging/inspiring words to others1
Thank you so much, Faye. I am so grateful God has empowered me to use my brokenness and His grandeur to speak life into others. I really appreciate your encouragement, as it is rarely easy to be so transparent!
Halee, you are one of the strongest and inspirational people I know. Thank you for sharing these stories. Livvy’s name is beautiful, her and Elliot will be waiting to be reunited with their beautiful, loving mommy ❤️
Wow! Now that is a beautiful picture. Thank you, Nicole!
Thank you for sharing your story years ago with me to help me find the same healing. The guilt and shame have been wiped away at the extravagant cost Jesus paid for me! I wish I could say I remember the date but I was so messed up at the time that everything that year is a blur. I’m thankful I can look forward now to seeing that child someday.
Your testimony is so beautiful and powerful, Vicki. It has been such an honor to walk in it with you. You have given me the greatest “payback” by passing the baton onto so many other women. God is so good!