I continue to attend a M.E.N.D. support group once per month for families that have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, or shortly after birth. This has been such a great source of support for our family since losing Elliot. I often walk away from this meeting feeling grieved for all the families, but I also feel so uplifted in knowing that we are not alone and that we have such strength in the Lord.
This week when I left the group, I simply felt angry about some things.
*I HATE the pain that each family endures with the loss.
*I hate the questions that we all face….
*I don’t like it when I’m at a doctor’s office and they ask how many children I have.
*I don’t like it when people I don’t know well tell me “You need to get Reese a brother or sister!”
*I don’t like that I run into “brick walls” of emotions at times (unexpected triggers regarding our loss) that cause me to cry around strangers.
*I don’t like that my 6 year old knows so much about death and loss.
*I don’t like the looming feeling that something is always missing.
*I don’t like the fact that another 6 year old that came to our house wanted to make a game out of pretending our house was haunted by Reese’s dead brother. (BTW, I chuckle at the boy’s imagination; I just don’t like the fact that this situation is even possible).
*I don’t like that my 6 year old thought that the reason we were adopting is because Elliot died.
*I don’t like that HC may EVER have the feeling that he was a replacement for Elliot (no matter how much we love HC and he loves us – he will always grieve his birth family… it is the same with Elliot. We LOVE our other children, but we still miss having Elliot! He cannot be replaced.)
*I don’t like that, 2 years later, I have this expectation that I somehow should magically be over it all, yet I still have some really tough days from time to time.
As Ron and I talked a few weeks ago, there is a general feeling of “blah” between us. It is hard to distinguish where those feelings are coming from – is it the grief, is it the waiting for HC, is it something we are doing or not doing?
I think about the Israelites traveling through the desert for FORTY years. God had given them a promise, but it took a long time to come about (they could have had it sooner, but they were not willing to listen/obey). As they waited and wandered, God provided so miraculously for all their needs, but they were too busy complaining at times to realize the brevity of His provision and to keep their eye on the ultimate prize.
I, too, feel like the complaining Israelites at times. All this waiting… but I have learned from my own impatience during other situations in my life, as well as reading the story of the Israelites and many other Bible characters, that God’s plan is so much bigger than me and always greater than I imagine. If I am impatient and focus only on the “I don’t likes” or the “I don’t haves”, then I will miss the miracle and an amazing opportunity to connect with my Heavenly Father, deepen relationships with my husband and those around me, and, frankly, I will miss the beauty of everything associated with my 6 year old.
All that said, there are things I am doing now that I don’t always feel like doing – but I believe they will produce so much treasure going forward.
*Daily I write to my Heavenly Father praising Him for his goodness and this time of being molded and shaped.
*I spend time daily studying my Bible and trying to listen and look out for any insights that they Holy Spirit may want to reveal to us.
*I value every moment with Reese, and do my best to parent in partnership with Ron and God to disciple him.
*Try to have some dedicated together time with my husband 1/wk.
*I try to call friends and meet with them routinely.
*I serve others who are also hurting/struggling.
*I am trying to learn HC’s native language as well as any other information that will be helpful in his transition and parenting him as he grows.
*I have made a commitment to not put everything on hold until after the adoption (at one point, I kept thinking, “well, we may have to go get him at any time”, but that was denial. It may be as long as next year, so I have to keep moving in my life).
None of these things change our loss. None of these things speed up the adoption process. But I am committed to growing during this time, and because of that – the anger dissipates, the blahs are at times lifted, and it helps me get through another day.
- What are the things that you face on a daily basis that bring chronic self-pity or blahs?
- What are some intentional things that you do to turn your focus to Jesus rather than the hardships?
- How can I pray for you?