Paybacks are…

"Paybacks are hell."

"What goes around comes around."

"May they be like a slug that melts away as it moves along." (this is actually from Psalm 58!)

Revenge...

Our hearts have the capacity to reel and writhe with ideas (revenge, consequences, spewing damnation) that we think will help us feel better about a wrong done - whether it be a wrong against us, someone we love, or any group of people we are fighting to represent - only to later find out none of it brings justification to the wrongs.  

For years, every time I thought of my abuser's smug face, I boiled with rage desperately wanting him to get what he deserved. At the very least, I wanted him to spend his life in prison. If not prison, I hoped he was absolutely miserable... homeless, struggling to find food, important people in his life hating him, etc.

My last encounter with him was so strange and unexpected. I had traveled to my hometown and was visiting with my brother at a relative's house. Police sirens were in the distance, but they got closer and louder until the police chase literally ended in the front yard. My brother and I sat bright eyed looking out the large front window, when the driver of the car being chased jumped out and started running toward the front door.

… It was him. It was the man that had abused me a decade prior. I couldn't believe my eyes. I quickly drew the shades hoping he didn't see me. He hit the door hard pleading that someone let him in when the police tackled and cuffed him.

After placing him in the police car and talking with a young lady who was with him, they knocked on our door. They asked, "Do you know the man that was just arrested? He says he knows the residents of this house."

I honestly don't think he knew I was in the house; he must have remembered the house from when he knew my family. Nonetheless, I didn't want to answer the question because I didn't want to be associated with that man in any way, but I finally answered honestly. Not wanting to arrest the intoxicated, 17-year old girl with him, the police simply wanted to ask if we would take her home. I volunteered.

As I drove, she shared that this man (my abuser) was her boyfriend, the love of her life. He was so good to her and was promising her the world. She had left home against her parents wishes on her 17th birthday (the day she could legally become his girlfriend) to go live with him... in his car. Absolute heartbreak washed all over me.

Why was I so sad since he was living the life I hoped he would have... living in his car, getting arrested, etc.?

If he were behind bars, I would feel safer for myself and others for a time, but I realize now that revenge or even consequences are very unlikely to bring my heart feelings of justification, lasting joy or peace regarding this man or anyone who hurts me. I have done a number of things that have promoted my own personal healing and growth in regards to the abuse, but there is a second party to my abuse story... him, my abuser. My mind doesn't just leave him at the curb; I know he's still alive, still out there...

What can we hope comes next for those that have hurt us that won't leave us dripping with disappointment?

What if we choose to hope the best for them? The same thing we would hope for our best friend or child? The greatest thing I hope for those I love is the restoration and salvation of Jesus Christ.

RESTORATION - the act of restoring something to its original condition.

If my abuser receives salvation and restoration that means he will experience healing in this life and I will be standing side by side with him in worship for all of eternity. Yuck! Is that what I really want? These things are opposites of what I most naturally want for the man that caused me such trauma, but I must also consider other implications of him receiving these things. Christ-like humility would allow him to confess and truly be sorry for his actions against women, and it could save women from future abuse at his hands. And, you know, if I really consider how "WOW!" God is, I have a feeling that when I look this man in the eyes that he won't even appear to be the same person. I will no longer call him "my abuser", but I will call him "brother" or "friend".

Wanting something good for someone that has deeply hurt you is no easy task, it may begin with asking God to help you to want these things for the person who caused the offense. And, if you ever find out that the person has received these things, you may actually experience a time of bitterness that things are going well for them.

I have found it helpful to ask God for a vision of my abuser as a child. Can you do that? Can you envision the person you despise as a child? Restoration is about restoring to it's original condition, and though God will not take our offenders back to childhood, I think envisioning them as children helps us see God's original design for their lives... people of joy, hope, faith, anticipation, and innocence.

This type of restoration sounds impossible and dreamy... but I've seen it. I've stood side by side with ex-rapists and ex-offenders of all sorts after they've experienced the love and restoration of Jesus Christ. It's incredible. Honestly, I don't even have to consider what He's done for those the world may consider the "worst of the worst"; I only have to look at what He's done in me to know how possible it is that He could change and restore my abuser. 

There are many aspects of healing from trauma and hurts, and praying for restoration and salvation for my abuser is one small aspect of my journey.

• Have you ever felt unsatisfied after someone got what they deserved? What do you think was missing?
• What healthy, productive ways have you dealt with feelings of revenge for those who have caused hurt in your life?
• Is there anyone or any group of people that, every time you think of them, you writhe with frustration and hope they "rot in hell"? Are you okay with that feeling or would you like it to change? What might be the next healthy step toward eliminating the internal struggle/frustration?