A Savored Season

On this day, December 20th, seven years ago, I did something I had never done. I took a vacation day in the middle of the week – a Tuesday, to be exact. A breath of calm washed over me as I spent the day alone putting the finishing touches on the Elliot’s nursery. There’s no describing the goodness of having loose ends tied up before baby comes.

Later in the afternoon, I attended my oldest son’s preschool Christmas party. Reese kept patting my belly telling his friends and teachers, “Look how big her belly is! This baby is going to be huge!”

The party was followed by time with friends, dinner and Christmas lights. Joy… anticipation… Yes, this is the way the Christmas season is supposed to be!

Twenty four hours can change everything. December 21st …

8am Emergency room

10am Delivery induction

All day countless friends filling our room

10:30pm Lifeless baby delivered into our arms

desperation intermingled with hope
fog… clarity
sleeplessness… rest
alone… surrounded
fear… peace
anger… calm
tears… supernatural comfort
grief… joy
time… confidence

Time does not heal wounds, though, for some, it provides opportunity to learn how to live with the pain. For others, time provides opportunity to slip deeper and deeper into despair, and ultimately death even while the person is still alive. Time does offer perspective.

When I consider the emotions and experiences over the past seven years, it’s not as if all the “bad” stuff happened just after Elliot died and all the “good” stuff happened as time went on. The “good” and the “bad” were intermingled along the way, but each intermingling was consistently tied to calling upon God.

With each cry of desperation, I found Him answering over and over, and with each day of questioning Him and getting to know Him more, I found that He had done things for my family and me even before Elliot’s death to prepare us for this journey. Time has not healed my wound, but, as I have leaned heavily upon Jesus Christ, He has used each individual interaction with me to build my confidence in His faithfulness.

I praise God that my grief has resulted in life for my family and me. I still experience emotions of loss, but my emotions are wrapped with confidence and anticipation of beauty that only He can bring to such desperate situations.

Whether your suffering is from loss, prejudice, broken relationships, abuse, chronic illness, or even something that is the result of your own bad choices, the intermingling of grief and joy is available to every single person who calls upon the name of the Lord… even if today feels like life has been taken out of you. Call on Him, watch Him, and know Him. God’s faithfulness will intermingle your story of grief with such a sweetness that you and others will at some point no longer be able to discern between the two.

“But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Son who dwells in you.” Romans 8:11

Our brokenness does not ruin the Christmas season, it illuminates Jesus’ reason for coming. Yes, this is what the Christmas season is supposed to be… a broken people, looking at Christ the Savior with anticipation of what is to come and savoring the life that He has instilled in us today.