In the days and months following our son’s death, a fog set in – it returned after my Mom’s death only a few months later. I don’t know how to explain the fog, but it is thick. It was so thick that there are many things that I have forgotten or don’t remember. I remember things about Elliot, our family, just about anything surrounding the deaths, but I don’t really remember much else. This fog has mostly faded.
My emotions are strange this morning as if the fog from the last year has settled back down onto my brain. It’s as if the sound of the world becomes muffled and moves in slow motion. As the world around me tries to go faster and faster, I move slowly… It’s as if my body is moving apart from me – almost in 3rd person.
I don’t choose to come to this place; it seems to appear for no reason at all. What is its purpose? I pray to God, “If it is from You, how can I embrace it for what it is? If it is not from You, please take it from me.”
The fog is not sorrow… it is just fog. There is an empty bed in our house, an empty seat at the table. There is one less person to answer the phone on the other end. It is still so surreal…