For those of you who don’t know – Mother’s Day is this Sunday.
Last years Mother’s Day was difficult but peaceful for me. It was a day that I had anticipated having 2 little boys in my house, yet it was filled only with the laughter and joy of 1 sweet little boy. That thought makes our home seem too quiet. I looked back through my journal to last year’s Mother’s Day, and I found anguish over the loss of Elliot, a longing for my daughter Livvy, and I found deep appreciation for Reese and for my relationship with my own Mother.
This year, on Mother’s Day, I face yet another first (I’m really sick of these types of firsts) – this will be my first Mother’s Day without my Mom. It hit me hard yesterday. I will never hear her voice talking to me again. My Dad has not recorded over my Mom’s voice on their voicemail recording; sometimes I call when I think my Dad won’t be home just so I can hear her – probably seems crazy, but it is refreshing to me.
I’m exhausted from these types of firsts. My Mother’s birthday is in a few weeks, then shortly after that will be the first anniversary of her passing. Last year was filled with firsts over Elliot dying, and now we are faced with these firsts. This is not something I want to have a lot of experience with and get good at – yet it seems to be common place in this season of my life. Please excuse my pity party – but I just want to say it out loud – this stinks.
My Mother and I did not have a perfect relationship. I’m sure I disappointed her a great deal – can you imagine being like my Mom and having your 14 year old tell you she’s pregnant? I did not share the dynamics of my abusive relationship with my mother, so she was only left to assume the worst about me. Though this did have an impact on our relationship, in the end, it did not define our relationship.
One time my Mother was in the hospital for a very long time, so I went and just sat many days by her bedside. She was in a comatose state, so I don’t know that she even knew I was there. I count this time as a true and intimate blessing – strangely enough I think we connected during that time. When she woke and found out I had been there for so long, she wrote me a thank you note. I still carry this note with me in my purse.
I don’t know what to do with this Mother’s Day. I find myself with a great deal of gratitude for Reese and my Mother-in-law, but I find a stirring in my heart, longing for my Mother, Elliot, Livvy and now our child that is countries away that is not yet in our home. In my dreamy state, I would love for us all to be together.
Mother’s Day can be painful for a many people for a number of reasons – loss of a mother or child, such as myself, or grieving over not having a mother worth celebrating; it could be that someone was never given an opportunity to Mother a child. I am so glad that our country spends at least one day during the year honoring an institution of Motherhood built by our Heavenly Father, but it is hurtful for those of us who must grieve the expectations that we once had for this day.
Father God, I lay it at Your feet right now – the pain of losing my Mother, my longing to hear her voice, the loss I feel over Elliot passing away – It is more than I can bear at times. My heart aches so much at times… But You have held me with Your grace, strength and might. Lord, carry my family’s heart as we wait for the arrival of our child – we have such joyful anticipation, but I sometimes lack patience. Lord, I lift up to You all that read this and have an ache and pain in their lives in regards to their own Mothers and/or children. Whatever their story may be, Lord, You know every detail of it. Take the hurt and the pain, and use it for good. Let the pain not tempt us all to seek comfort more than seeking to love You and live within Your will. With all glory, honor and praise to Your name. – Amen