I am often times the “idea” person – the big dreamer. I try not to overwhelm people with all the “fireworks” of ideas that go off in my brain – using discernment of who I share them with and when. Discernment and accountability is a necessity in determining if the idea is mine alone or if it has been planted there by the Holy Spirit.
In 2010, I went through a season in which I wanted all my big dreaming to go away. It’s a lot of responsibility to cast the vision and to follow through on it. People think I’m crazy (I am :). God was aware of my insecurity, and gave me something to nudge my heart forward. In Luke 10:23-24, Jesus said to His disciples, “Blessed are the eyes which see the things you see, for I say to you, that many prophets and kings wished to see the things which you see, and did not see them, and to hear the things which you hear, and did not hear them.”
When my ideas are from God, He turns the outcome of that dream into something God-sized. Though I didn’t get to witness Jesus in person as the disciples did, it is a privilege to get to witness God-sized events in my life. I am amazed and astonished. It is awesome!
Besides the sorrow I have for Elliot and my Mother, not having the capacity to dream has left an empty space in my heart. It yearns for exciting ideas and having the energy to see it through… Don’t get me wrong, obviously some dreaming and seeing God’s movement (God is always moving whether I am or not) has happened since Elliot and my Mom’s death – the adoption process, Ron and I both got to baptize someone this year, etc. My inability to dream also makes me feel as if I’m “failing” in some ways, as so many have come to know me as that person, and, therefore, things of the olden days seemingly do not flow as smoothly without the old Halee.
So here I am… 19 months since Elliot’s death, 1 year since my Mother’s. So now what?
I went to something this last week called the “Celebrate Recovery (CR) East Coast Summit” in Spartenburg, SC. It is a training for leaders and volunteers of CR, but it is honestly so much more than training. It is spiritually uplifting and challenging. I wasn’t sure why I was going this year as I have been to the Summit four times previously.
Day 2 of the Summit I figured out one reason I was there. I was in a workshop for “Women in Leadership”, and a statement was made almost in passing.
It hit me at my core. I was at the Summit so that I could receive the GREEN light to start dreaming big again. God has not withheld dreaming from me during this time, but I haven’t been willing to be vulnerable enough to trust Him with my hopes and dreams.
I asked Him for forgiveness for not trusting Him, and during the remainder of the Summit my brain was flowing with ideas for our leadership team and our local Celebrate Recovery ministry. I am not pouncing on every idea just yet as I am praying about them. I do believe that the Holy Spirit is alive and well and using CR to change the lives of those who are hurting, and I am deeply humbled that I get to be a part of that and witness His magnificence first hand.
God continues to restore me day by day. He is so patient and gentle, yet He is mighty. As always, I stand amazed. Dreaming big does in fact provide the potential to hurt big – but God is greater than any hurt that I will ever endure and will restore me in any and all circumstances.
Thank You, Father, for giving me ideas. Please give me discernment, courage and energy in proceeding with the dreams You place in my heart. I am humbled that You would allow me to be a part of Your plan and to witness Your greatness. – Amen
To find a Celebrate Recovery near you: celebraterecovery.com
Amen sister!