I’ll be honest, it is so nice to have good news to share with people. Seems like the last couple of years have been a series of sob stories. Every time I share one of our difficulties with someone, I hope that the joy and peace we have in the midst of that crisis also shines through – but, nonetheless, most of my stories probably leave people feeling a little glum.
Sharing our story of adoption brightens people’s days. Who wouldn’t agree that we should care for our orphans? We are so glad to be on this journey and to share this news with others!
When someone passes away or when a woman becomes pregnant, some people stumble around the right words to say – they feel like they need to say more than “I’m so sorry” or “Congratulations!” I’m no different – I stumble around such things all the time. I have found that while sharing the news of our son and the time frame in which we must wait to get him into our home (possibly a year or more), there are some that are wanting to have more words.
As they stumble around, the words that fall out of their mouths are something along the lines of “What are you doing to protect your heart because you do know all the things that could go wrong between now and then, right? What if you don’t get to bring him home?”
Because many people have asked that question, I will address it here:
If I would have had some indication that that Elliot would never come home from the hospital with us, there’s no way in the world I would have shut my love off for him in protection of my heart. Instead I would have taken more pictures; I would have not complained the last time I threw up at 7.5 mo of pregnancy; I would have shared more stories of him squirming every time he heard Reese’s voice despite whether or not I thought people wanted to hear one more pregnancy story. I would have stayed up later at night basking in the glory of all his kicks and turns in my belly. I would have spent more time talking to my belly, even to the extent that people in a store would have thought I was crazy and was talking to myself.
I do know there is a chance that HC will never come home with us, but our Heavenly Father has charged us, for whatever reason, to right now – in this moment, to love him with a parent’s heart. My heart is not guarded – it is scared, but it is not guarded. I am MADLY in love with this little guy, and I want to take every ounce of him in – his spiky hair, his adorable toes, his chubby cheeks… he is amazing. I long for him to be in our home where we can provide his needs, and, in return, we will get the rewards of his smile, laughter, cries and dirty diapers.
God has given us an amazing capacity to love, and the only reason we hurt so bad when we lose someone is because of that capacity to love so much. Though that pain some times feels like more than I can bear, it will never outweigh the blessings of getting to love someone so much.
Yes, it’s scary, but, just as it was with Livvy and Elliot, I never knew I could love someone I’ve never met so much. I am so grateful to have Reese with us, and I am so blessed to get to be the Mommy of Livvy, Elliot and HC – even if they never get to live in our house.
